我到底會到哪?
說實話我有點動搖,很多東西都這樣不只是一點點.
2015年3月12日 星期四
My breaking heart
This afternoon we had immunology seminar, and one Chinese graduate student present a paper from Immunity.
Immunity is absolutely a good paper, high impact factor, high reputation. But I just can not believe in the story the author made. It looks right, but it does absolutely not make any sense to me. It said Ezh2 , a ubiquitous enzyme, regulates autoimmune. Ezh2 regulats chromosome conformation and related to so many different genes related to almost every pathway in human body, I just don't believe it is only related to autoimmune, and I don't believe that Ezh2 only affect Foxp3, a transcription factor regulate SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many genes' expression.
After this confusing seminar, Song ask me for my feeling to the paper/presentation. I told him I feel they never told us any signaling pathway, they have the results (just the results without any reasonable explanation), they never explain the reason in detail.
It means nothing to me. I don't think it is the science I like. It is just use the very advance tools and extremely hard working, to present/create some conclusions are not based on the reality, even against the common sense. This kind of science makes me want to cry, it's a feeling of huge disappointment, and they published this on Immunity, one of the best journal in immunology.
If I keep doing science, I feel I can foresee my future. It looks like making/cooking data all the time, wish other people do not realize it, and doing experiment at midnight/weekend/holidays (looks hard working and easier to make data). I don't know if this is what I truly want, lose my family, lose my friends, lose my social relationships, and the worst---lose my soul.
I'm really confusing to myself. What did I do in the past 10 years? Does this the science that I pursue?
Immunity is absolutely a good paper, high impact factor, high reputation. But I just can not believe in the story the author made. It looks right, but it does absolutely not make any sense to me. It said Ezh2 , a ubiquitous enzyme, regulates autoimmune. Ezh2 regulats chromosome conformation and related to so many different genes related to almost every pathway in human body, I just don't believe it is only related to autoimmune, and I don't believe that Ezh2 only affect Foxp3, a transcription factor regulate SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many genes' expression.
After this confusing seminar, Song ask me for my feeling to the paper/presentation. I told him I feel they never told us any signaling pathway, they have the results (just the results without any reasonable explanation), they never explain the reason in detail.
It means nothing to me. I don't think it is the science I like. It is just use the very advance tools and extremely hard working, to present/create some conclusions are not based on the reality, even against the common sense. This kind of science makes me want to cry, it's a feeling of huge disappointment, and they published this on Immunity, one of the best journal in immunology.
If I keep doing science, I feel I can foresee my future. It looks like making/cooking data all the time, wish other people do not realize it, and doing experiment at midnight/weekend/holidays (looks hard working and easier to make data). I don't know if this is what I truly want, lose my family, lose my friends, lose my social relationships, and the worst---lose my soul.
I'm really confusing to myself. What did I do in the past 10 years? Does this the science that I pursue?
2015年3月10日 星期二
Depression
It's getting harder and harder to resist my depression.
I have been here for 4.5 years, and I'm pretty sure it would be longer. I just don't understand why this fucking process is so painful.
The U.S. might be good, but Temple absolutely sucks.
From the very first month I knew all my department wants to do is to screw me as they could. 8 faculties, only 1 has space to a new student. The fucking racist Spanish program director, and the most dead-head vice dean Scott try to fuck me as much as they can, even now.
They ask me about my problem, and try to make it become more serious as they can. I asked Grana for the additional rotation in FCCC and he said no. I asked Scott I want to wait the new director and do my FUCKING rotation in the lab and he said no. Then Priyanka and Zhai go for their additional rotation and director's lab. The only graduate student who can't do anything is me.
That hypocritical Grana, even try to fuck me in my prelim. They provide no advice and no education, I know to give international students offer is beneficial to the school's reputation. But if you have no plan, no space, no money to educate, just DON'T offer anyone. I believe in Karma.
Talking about my experience in the lab. My boss is a friendly old guy but he is fucking too old to do any research, we have no discussion, no lab meeting, no presentation, no post, I have no idea about what is he doing. He didn't go to ANY conference for more than 4 years. At once I thought it maybe because I am not very productive, then I found everyone in my lab is just fucking like that except Song. Everyone have no direction where to go, what to do, and who should we look for. I have no idea why we didn't achieve anything in such a long time. I collected so many samples from donors and macaques, and we NEVER analyze them, we just throw all the damn sample in -80 and that's all. I have TONS of samples and we did NOTHING. He didn't really observe anything, and reject every suggestions I gave, I told him to do microarray to do some fucking screening, and get some fucking novel targets but he never tried. He said it is too much for our lab but the truth is: we pay thousands of dollars on the reagents and we found nothing changed, and we should use 15000 USD to find some novel target from the microarray core lab in FCCC. Even the microarray is way cheaper than the fucking stupid useless qPCR. Our postdocs are lazy and they are just fucking fooling around everyday.
It's getting harder and harder to resist my depression, I need to pray.
I have been here for 4.5 years, and I'm pretty sure it would be longer. I just don't understand why this fucking process is so painful.
The U.S. might be good, but Temple absolutely sucks.
From the very first month I knew all my department wants to do is to screw me as they could. 8 faculties, only 1 has space to a new student. The fucking racist Spanish program director, and the most dead-head vice dean Scott try to fuck me as much as they can, even now.
They ask me about my problem, and try to make it become more serious as they can. I asked Grana for the additional rotation in FCCC and he said no. I asked Scott I want to wait the new director and do my FUCKING rotation in the lab and he said no. Then Priyanka and Zhai go for their additional rotation and director's lab. The only graduate student who can't do anything is me.
That hypocritical Grana, even try to fuck me in my prelim. They provide no advice and no education, I know to give international students offer is beneficial to the school's reputation. But if you have no plan, no space, no money to educate, just DON'T offer anyone. I believe in Karma.
Talking about my experience in the lab. My boss is a friendly old guy but he is fucking too old to do any research, we have no discussion, no lab meeting, no presentation, no post, I have no idea about what is he doing. He didn't go to ANY conference for more than 4 years. At once I thought it maybe because I am not very productive, then I found everyone in my lab is just fucking like that except Song. Everyone have no direction where to go, what to do, and who should we look for. I have no idea why we didn't achieve anything in such a long time. I collected so many samples from donors and macaques, and we NEVER analyze them, we just throw all the damn sample in -80 and that's all. I have TONS of samples and we did NOTHING. He didn't really observe anything, and reject every suggestions I gave, I told him to do microarray to do some fucking screening, and get some fucking novel targets but he never tried. He said it is too much for our lab but the truth is: we pay thousands of dollars on the reagents and we found nothing changed, and we should use 15000 USD to find some novel target from the microarray core lab in FCCC. Even the microarray is way cheaper than the fucking stupid useless qPCR. Our postdocs are lazy and they are just fucking fooling around everyday.
It's getting harder and harder to resist my depression, I need to pray.
2015年3月7日 星期六
減肥這件事
最近我買了一個小米手環
所以就開始每天觀察自己的睡眠跟運動量
一開始我並不知道到底多少運動量是OK所以我就上網查了一下
我查了一個網站上面說每天8000步基本會變胖 10000基本不變 15000基本會降
於是我就有一陣子把13000設為我的目標 能做就做 作不到就算了
直到一段時間以後我手機上面的LG fit告訴我15000步才是我應該做的
所以我就決定開始每天追蹤 主要還是因為小米手環有個創紀錄的功能吧 我感覺特別有興趣
所以我就每天想要跑到15000步 希望可以減肥 雖然我覺得我還是滿困難的
不過就跑吧 我後來看一看15000步每天細節分析的話 大概就像6公里多跑 7公里多走這樣
然後現在看到人家在FB上面貼那個一個月跑個兩三次的 我是覺得啦
這樣是不可能減到甚麼的 我每天都15000步也沒輕
你那一個月跑兩次平均5公里 是要減甚麼???
所以就開始每天觀察自己的睡眠跟運動量
一開始我並不知道到底多少運動量是OK所以我就上網查了一下
我查了一個網站上面說每天8000步基本會變胖 10000基本不變 15000基本會降
於是我就有一陣子把13000設為我的目標 能做就做 作不到就算了
直到一段時間以後我手機上面的LG fit告訴我15000步才是我應該做的
所以我就決定開始每天追蹤 主要還是因為小米手環有個創紀錄的功能吧 我感覺特別有興趣
所以我就每天想要跑到15000步 希望可以減肥 雖然我覺得我還是滿困難的
不過就跑吧 我後來看一看15000步每天細節分析的話 大概就像6公里多跑 7公里多走這樣
然後現在看到人家在FB上面貼那個一個月跑個兩三次的 我是覺得啦
這樣是不可能減到甚麼的 我每天都15000步也沒輕
你那一個月跑兩次平均5公里 是要減甚麼???
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